A Trip to the Grocery store in Vegas at 5AM

OK.  Granted.  It was 5 something AM after our work shift, but I’ve been to 24 hour grocery stores at odd hours and NEVER seen the freak to normal people ratio so high.  Even the staff were fucking freaks.


Nate wanted to go grocery shopping and found a couple 24 hour grocery stores nearby, I didn’t really need anything but figured a trip to a grocery store is always a treat.  Plus it would be nice to do something after work that didn’t involve sitting in my hotel room.  We ended up at the Vons because I love Vons.  It reminds me of ghetto Cali.  Its like the sadder version of Ralphs.  At first we were stoked because we figured we’d see all the other people in Vegas that have our same schedule.  Dealers, waitrons, strippers, all takin’ care of bidness after their shift.  As soon as we walked in I entered a scary other dimension.  First thing I saw was that there were FUCKING SLOT MACHINES IN THE GROCERY STORE!!!  As Nate said, “What happens when you’re the $6000 winner?  Do they just put that shit on your Vons card?”, I’m thinking “No!  You go out and buy $6000 dollars worth of meth and OD, cause who else besides a cracked out meth head sits down ands play slot machines at the fucking grocery store!!!!!!  AT 5 something AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I’m rather certain that every single person in there(all 7 of us), workers included, were on crystal meth.  Well, I wasn’t and I’m pretty sure Nate wasn’t, but everyone else from shopper to store manager was definitely tweaking.  The shock of the slot machines took me for a loop, but next the crackhead desert people couple that came in after us enhanced the madness.  The woman looked 60(but was probably 30) and the dude looked 35(but was probably 18), and they, especially she, were talking constantly from the minute they came into earshot.  She-  “Look they got chicken I could make that chicken thing you like would you eat that chicken thing remember that chicken thing you liked it I’m positive you like it remember that thing with the chicken in it that meal I made i think it was called chicken something whatever  you always said you liked it”, Dude-  “Of course I’ll eat it”, She(no breath)-  “Oh great what’s next oh look this is where all the milk and shit is do we need milk yeah we need milk I think the one we have says October something I don’t know have you checked lately it was either today I last checked”, Dude-  “I’m pretty sure we don’t even have milk.”, She-  “Oh hell maybe that was some other week anyways do we have bread i love bread……”.


Photo of the crack couple jabbering with the checkout guy.

Even the freaking checkout guy was on something!  I’m guessing mescaline or meth or both.  He kind of reminded me of a cracked out Doug Benson.  Except he worked in a Vons on the graveyard shift.  (I wonder this a lot here)  Was this guy born and raised in Vegas and this is the job he prefers at age 50, or do people actually get trapped here and turned into desert people.  If thats a possibility I’m afraid.  Who knows where the desert zombie could come from, bite your neck and have you saying “I want to stay In Vegas and live my life here.  F-O-R-E-V-E-R.”  When he rang up my portobello mushrooms he said “Damn man, usually when I get my mushrooms its from this guy I know with a truck.”.  Desert people.


In the end I picked up the essentials….a few mexican religious candles, siracha, three-pack of wooden spoons and made it out alive.  Vegas continues to shock and amaze.  The fucking sun is well up so I should go to sleep, but have to mention that Del Taco serves fries with their tacos, went there for my first time tonight.  Nate stopped there after the grocery store, and I think fries and tacos are a dope combination.


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